Memory 1: I Stole My Voice Back

There’s something strange about beginnings. People like to think they’re clean. Intentional. A fresh page waiting patiently for the first word.

But this one isn’t.

This beginning is messy, unaligned, and utterly human. It’s been years in the making –thirteen, to be exact. Thirteen years of silent attempts, failures and thoughts where stories still existed, just… out of reach. It was like trying to remember a dream that slips further away the harder you chase it. Except for me, that dream had left a chasm in my being.

I used to write all the time, every spare moment. Whole worlds lived inside me. Characters breathed, fought, loved, and burned long before I ever understood why they mattered so much. Writing wasn’t something I did...it was who I was. I didn't know how much I valued that part of me.

Until it wasn’t there anymore.

Trauma has a way of rewriting you without permission and in 2011 it rewrote me. It didn't just take moments, it took pieces.

Voice. Focus. Identity. For a long time, I didn’t just stop writing…I couldn't read for pleasure, tearing me in half from the inside out. I stopped recognising the person who once could. For years I was a shadow of who I had been, someone who could walk through her mind as if she were in another world. Every attempt to read would end in disappointment, more devastating was the failed attempts at writing.

And then something shifted.

Not all at once. Not in some cinematic, lightning-strike moment of clarity. It was quieter than that. Slower. Like something buried beginning to breathe again beneath the surface.

I started to heal, I felt something in my psyche shift still it is difficult for me to explain but I began to allow myself to look back on younger me, not with disappointment but with understanding and to my surprise, pride.

Was this the shift? I don't know, maybe the stars aligned.

But in May 2025, I did something that felt impossible for over a decade...I took my voice back.

That voice became Ash and Tide.

It started as a make shift pin board (aka brown paper on a wall and stickynotes), then there were the note books and finally, I felt brave enough to sit down behind a keyboard and start writing, to my delight I kept writing.

Ash and Tide did not develop slowly, it word vomited out of my soul. I still do not know where these characters came from, but soon enough I was playing out my joys, my traumas, my creations out on its pages. Covering themes from books, escaping, memories, manipulation, consent, neurodivergence, chose family, toxic family, control vs freedom, politics, freedom of information, historic cycles, respect, love, loyalty and ancient mythological magick. I covered it all and more, weaving a intricate fantasy world with undertoned themes of our own.

With a few friends as enthusiastic page samplers I was on fire, then realising that there was a University degree that fitted me perfectly. So I also began my Bachelor of Arts, Majoring in English and Creative Writing.

This was a 2012 plan and dream that I had thought had been missed, though the days and juggling act can be long and difficult.

It is worth it, and I know I can do it.

My debut novel Ash and Tide isn’t just a fantasy. It’s not just magic, kingdoms, or slow-burning love (though you’ll absolutely find all of that here). It’s about identity, who we are when our memories betray us. It’s about emotional manipulation, consent, power, and what it actually means to love someone with respect.

It’s about fire that destroys and the tide that refuses to let it have the final say.

Everyone has a Phoenix inside of them, they just reach through the cloud of ashes and rise.

This blog is where I’m going to take you behind it all.

The writing. The worldbuilding. The messy, human parts of creating something from pain and turning it into power. The moments that didn’t make it onto the page. The truths hidden between the lines.

And maybe, if you’ve ever felt like you lost a part of yourself too… you’ll find something here that feels familiar.

This isn’t a perfect beginning. It was never meant to be.

It is a real one.

And I think that matters more.

xxJ.